Bella Rose

Transparency abused 

I don’t want to deal with anybody who tells the person in the mirror their actions are justifiable because they told you so 

You still do fucked up things 

You say you will .. 

And you know how they saying goes.. 

Don’t say you will unless you will 

Book of Yeezy 

The word I thought about most today was cycles 

I don’t want to be caught in cycles 

Stuck in cycles that have no beneficial qualities 

Cycles that lack equality 

The selfish 

I am liberated from my state of emotional turmoil and as a parting gift I want transfer my pain into the rest of the world 

Cycles 

Plot Twist: I’m numb so certain pain is no longer a true stimulant   

It produces nothing but fuel.. 

And most importantly absolute clarity on my value to you as a person 

The level of respect you do or don’t have for me 

And where we no longer stand.

Emotions always overlap 

Why can’t I just feel one thing 

It wouldn’t be so overwhelming if it was tunnel vision 

I don’t want to like.. love... feel.. care 

But I find myself giving endlessly 

Then feeling empty when the temporaries depart 

Who will stay forever

You inspire me.. 

You change the world effortlessly each day and I've been planning my whole life for it to no avail 

I've learned the idea of perfection is deceitful .. 

But what you deliver is organic and rare 

I just knew the latest and greatest to acquire your soul would be the last 

I envisioned you being married… crafting your beautiful blended family 

I had finally squandered the opportunities extended to me and failed you.. 

Well, really failed myself.. 

But I love you so much that nothing could ever halt my happiness for you ..    

I gave you space to explore and grow without background noise from the awkward one who consistently poorly executes the expression of the depth of her emotions 

Tonight you couldn’t sleep.. 

You felt pain.. and without even speaking to you I felt it as well 

The hope is what does it.. 

Most often described as a fall from grace.. 

You deserve every smile ..every warm embrace.. 

Each moment as the center of the universe 

I wish it was never taken from you 

I pray you recover 

Selfless wish

Baby don't recover for me ... recover for the world..

Depression kills ambition
Hope is dangerous 
Faith is essential.. 


I can't clear my mind. 

I feel disappointed even though I shouldn't 
I had no expectation 
You don't grow out of awkwardness 

Can't shake this empty feeling... 
If I'm sad I don't know God they assume 
That is asinine

So we suffer in silence.. 
Thankful for my gifts ..
Without them I would have died many deaths already  

Someone told me they think about death alot today 
All I could think about is how bad I want them to live and how my thoughts are not enough 
I wonder why people with these thoughts are drawn to me
Can they tell I've been there before
Can they see the shame and triumph of wanting to die... trying to die.. and not dying 
My first attempt was before my 13th birthday 
My last I will not say
This burden is heavy to carry but I will never turn my back or a blind eye
I will be nurturing and open to fielding their pain so that we all live to die another day.. 

I want to say soul piercing hurtful things.
Majority from my truth no malice.
But I won't
Trying to understand the human mind is best left for those trained to do so.
But if I'm psychotic you triple my worth
I hope as I endeavor to understand myself I become more tolerant and all things become clearer to me 
In the present I've finally found my anger
Anger, disappointment 
Having shared my space with another coward
One who would run away rather than articulating their disdain 
But its natural for the abused to run back to the abuser
Now that I know who the abuser really is 
Seems it was you all along 
You're a con artist
Your dissociated delusions 
Your incessant paranoia
Your instant rise to anger
You paint these pictures and you make people believe you 
 The facade you presented yourself to be
You 
folded
with
no
pressure
applied
What was your purpose? 
You were the driver literally and figuratively 
I tried to prepare a place of peace for you 
I truly believe you are sick in a way you can't control 
And for everything that you are what does that make me 
I loved you. I believed you. 
Planned to build with you
The exact place you are now you said you would never be fruitful there 
Never be able to create a family 
Since you returned it seems you know exactly what you want
You rather buy someones love 
You are an ATM where you are
We could never work it out 
I figured we'd talk about it though
You failed to communicate 
I failed to pry 
Walking on eggshells waiting for you to explode without warning
You deserve to be where you are 
You deserve every tear you cry 
Every insult you threw at me also applies to you 
It was really a cry for help 
I did everything I could to make you snap out of it
You were too far gone 
When you wake up 
You are not welcome here 
I tried
Fuck You. 

- Fin 




 

 

The brutal honesty of my blog will definitely be beneficial to me and I hope it helps the rest of the weirdos, creeps, and nerds. I have a need to purge things. Not always pain but I write frequently when distressed. I think we should be on an eternal journey of self discovery. By making a conscious effort to learn everyday, the knowledge you work to master, changes your essence. I do so with the aim to be better and more productive than the day before. Today I discovered an alter.  No I did not misspell church pew. Scarlet is an alter of someone I love. Scarlet is the angry, paranoid, irrational alter. She curses and screams and is anti everything that once made sense. Scarlet is such a distinct alter she made it possible for me to begin to count the others I unwittingly encountered. This is a staggering realization and it has changed my life forever.  That's as much as I can process at the moment. 

Namaste

What are the fucking odds. 

Manic Depressive + Borderline Personality Disorder Gladiator = The Dark Side of Love 

This a new kind of pain 

I thought I had sampled every kind 

This pain comes deep from the inside 

First just an icepicks acuteness 

Then it swells and engulfs my chest 

Warms me physically 

It disorients me 

Like I’ve been lost in the wilderness wounded for several weeks 

Infection making my flesh rott 

Days running together no longer able to benchmark rise and fall - light or darkness 

And the tears 

The tears are unkind and unpredictable.. 

I prefer to suffer in silence 

But when the tears fall I feel like a child 

Inconsolable .. so its best I don't go outside 

You told me you never knew anyone could be affected by your presence 

I listened silently 

But I thought that statement alone was an injustice to the person you are 

I wanted that to be something that you knew unequivocally 

You are powerful 

Now I truly know how much 

The day you left I just sat 

Numb yet optimistic at first waiting for you to safely arrive at your destination 

Then hours went by 

No call 

The previous week you were so closed off 

I just wanted to love you 

Labeled melodramatic when I resolved I can never love like this again 

If I can’t place my full faith in you 

Who can I trust 

If I never wake you up 

Who can I sleep with 

The pain comes to me again 

It grants me bursts of clarity 

Is this calamity of my own design 

If I can’t see you for who you truly are than surely I’m blind 

I can’t trust myself.. 

I question everything


and at this point I was probably crying uncontrollably so for now that's where it ends