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Text Messages I Can't Send 

I want to say soul piercing hurtful things.
Majority from my truth no malice.
But I won't
Trying to understand the human mind is best left for those trained to do so.
But if I'm psychotic you triple my worth
I hope as I endeavor to understand myself I become more tolerant and all things become clearer to me 
In the present I've finally found my anger
Anger, disappointment 
Having shared my space with another coward
One who would run away rather than articulating their disdain 
But its natural for the abused to run back to the abuser
Now that I know who the abuser really is 
Seems it was you all along 
You're a con artist
Your dissociated delusions 
Your incessant paranoia
Your instant rise to anger
You paint these pictures and you make people believe you 
 The facade you presented yourself to be
What was your purpose? 
You were the driver literally and figuratively 
I tried to prepare a place of peace for you 
I truly believe you are sick in a way you can't control 
And for everything that you are what does that make me 
I loved you. I believed you. 
Planned to build with you
The exact place you are now you said you would never be fruitful there 
Never be able to create a family 
Since you returned it seems you know exactly what you want
You rather buy someones love 
You are an ATM where you are
We could never work it out 
I figured we'd talk about it though
You failed to communicate 
I failed to pry 
Walking on eggshells waiting for you to explode without warning
You deserve to be where you are 
You deserve every tear you cry 
Every insult you threw at me also applies to you 
It was really a cry for help 
I did everything I could to make you snap out of it
You were too far gone 
When you wake up 
You are not welcome here 
I tried
Fuck You. 

- Fin 




The brutal honesty of my blog will definitely be beneficial to me and I hope it helps the rest of the weirdos, creeps, and nerds. I have a need to purge things. Not always pain but I write frequently when distressed. I think we should be on an eternal journey of self discovery. By making a conscious effort to learn everyday, the knowledge you work to master, changes your essence. I do so with the aim to be better and more productive than the day before. Today I discovered an alter.  No I did not misspell church pew. Scarlet is an alter of someone I love. Scarlet is the angry, paranoid, irrational alter. She curses and screams and is anti everything that once made sense. Scarlet is such a distinct alter she made it possible for me to begin to count the others I unwittingly encountered. This is a staggering realization and it has changed my life forever.  That's as much as I can process at the moment.