This a new kind of pain
I thought I had sampled every kind
This pain comes deep from the inside
First just an icepicks acuteness
Then it swells and engulfs my chest
Warms me physically
It disorients me
Like I’ve been lost in the wilderness wounded for several weeks
Infection making my flesh rott
Days running together no longer able to benchmark rise and fall - light or darkness
And the tears
The tears are unkind and unpredictable..
I prefer to suffer in silence
But when the tears fall I feel like a child
Inconsolable .. so its best I don't go outside
You told me you never knew anyone could be affected by your presence
I listened silently
But I thought that statement alone was an injustice to the person you are
I wanted that to be something that you knew unequivocally
You are powerful
Now I truly know how much
The day you left I just sat
Numb yet optimistic at first waiting for you to safely arrive at your destination
Then hours went by
No call
The previous week you were so closed off
I just wanted to love you
Labeled melodramatic when I resolved I can never love like this again
If I can’t place my full faith in you
Who can I trust
If I never wake you up
Who can I sleep with
The pain comes to me again
It grants me bursts of clarity
Is this calamity of my own design
If I can’t see you for who you truly are than surely I’m blind
I can’t trust myself..
I question everything
and at this point I was probably crying uncontrollably so for now that's where it ends